


Hope (Against My Despair)

by komaegi



Series: Between Despairful Hope & Hopeful Despair [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mastermind Komaeda Nagito, Mastermind Naegi Makoto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 17:57:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12086313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komaegi/pseuds/komaegi
Summary: Despite everything, things don't always go as planned





	1. Despite everything, secrets never remain a secret

**Author's Note:**

> well that sure was quick... also this fic is hell please help im loving it too much.

It's the first day he sets foot in the school ever since he's been discharged from the hospital.

He wonders how much had changed.

"Oh, you're back. Thought you were dead or something."

"Of course you did, Souda-kun! No one would care enough to find out whether I was dead or alive!"

It was true.

He remembers being hospitalized when he was younger, and when he came back things were the same.

Others didn't care whether Komaeda existed or not, sometimes they pretended he doesn't exist anymore.

It was how life was for him.

Well… it doesn't really matter.

"Oh… I think I heard that the headmaster wants to talk to you about something."

"I see."

It must have to deal with the killing game.

Komaeda regrets it a bit, it was basically sacrificing people for nothing.

He sacrificed ten people for nothing.

It felt a bit good, but it was worth nothing if he's still alive.

Besides, no one is seen as a hero.

He's only seen as a villain.

He wonders if someone can just kill him.

But would he really be satisfied if Naegi didn't kill him?

Possibly not.

It was meant to be, wasn't it?

It was meant to be that way.

It's fate, as one might call it.

  
"There are bad news, Komaeda-kun."

"What kind of news?"

"Ones that might affect your safety."

"So… good news."

"The public knows about the killing game."

His eyes widened.

"Really?!"

"But fortunately, they don't know that you're the culprit."

"Ahh… disappointing…"

"Komaeda-kun, this is no joke."

"I'm taking this seriously, Headmaster. If the public knew, then I will get a punishment."

"It's not necessarily an execution—"

"I'd do anything to get executed!"

His heart started beating really fast.

He was excited.

But was it really right?

"Komaeda-kun—"

"Can I ask someone specific to perform the execution?"

"I don't think so…"

"I should be able to, shouldn't I?!"

"Death isn't something to get excited about."

"I'd do anything for an execution—"

"The problem is… if you get outed as the killer, your accomplices will be in danger."

"But I had none."

"You know exactly who I'm talking about."

Komaeda hated that he did.

"But I told you—"

"They're not going to listen to a murderer's pleas. You need to hide it from everyone, Komaeda-kun."

"But he has nothing to do with it! I only didn't want to mess with his memories—"

"I understand why you couldn't do it."

"You're going to tell them, won't you?"

"I can't say I won't." The Headmaster had a bitter smile, "But you're one of the students I never want to lose—"

"You're just acting like that, because Kirigiri-san survived, aren't you?" Komaeda is grateful she did, but disappointed that she didn't find out about him, "If I killed your daughter, you'd resent me."

"Maybe that's true. But despite that—"

"Just promise me you won't say anything about Naegi-kun!"

"You're so defensive, I'd almost think that Naegi-kun was the one who planned it—"

"He's not! I told you, it's me! I could even prove it—"

"It's just a hypothesis, Komaeda-kun. No need to be angry."

"I don't want him to be lumped with me! He's different!"

"Even though you're both similar?"

"We're not…"

Komaeda knew they were a bit similar.

Naegi just valued people's lives more than him.

"Anyway, don't worry about it. Since the killing game is seen as only a rumor, you might get away with it." The Headmaster only leaned back, "Besides, the police are more concerned about a series of murders that happened in the last few weeks. They're quite brutal."

"Genocider Syo?"

"I don't think so… the killing style differs from hers."

"It would be disappointing if two students from your school were suspected for murder, right?"

"Be careful. The culprit has stopped, but they might continue later on."

"I'll try."

He wonders if he could not-so-accidentally fall for one of their traps.

  
"Komaeda-san, did you hear about the recent serial killer?"

Sonia liked hearing about things like these.

Komaeda would almost like to tell her about what he did, but he doesn't want to risk anything.

"The Headmaster mentioned it to me, but I never heard much. And you know, I didn't hear much when I was in the hospital."

"I would not call them a serial killer, but they seem to be sadistic. Their murder method seems extreme, almost like torture rather than a well-planned murder."

"Torture to death?"

"I suppose so… but there have been rumors that the killer is not doing it in their own state of mind."

"What do you mean?"

"It might be due to something in their life. They suddenly stopped at some point, so I'm relieved, but I wonder if it has to do with their stress."

"That sounds interesting."

That's the only way he could describe it.

But killing as a stress relief is possibly a bad idea.

"It is interesting in some way, but rather dangerous."

"It's unexpected to know when does that killer strike next, but it's a bit exciting to know I can be the next victim."

"You certainly are an odd person, Komaeda-san."

She said it with an awkward laugh.

  
"What are you doing here?"

"I have a check-up."

"Get out."

"I have a check-up."

"You haven't been here for almost a month."

"I know. That's why I couldn't have a check-up previously."

"I heard about it."

"About what?"

"About your killing game, what else?"

"How so?"

"I was a suspect for being your accomplice."

"Huh~?"

No wonder why.

Komaeda only asked Matsuda that question out of curiousity.

'How do you successfully extract memories out of somebody's brain?'

It's been two years, but the answer couldn't leave his mind.

"Don't give me that look."

"I'd be really lucky to have you as an accomplice, Matsuda-kun."

"And you're already a pain in the ass."

"I'm sorry for that. Making people suspecting you."

"You're still the main suspect."

"I'm already the culprit."

"Is it you? Or that junior you have a crush on?"

"It's me."

"And the boy you have a crush on?"

"He's my lover now."

"You're funny."

"Come on! We're dating!"

"Stop it with the unfunny jokes."

"You're mean…"

He stepped outside.

"What about that check-up you were blabbering about?"

"Oh! That was just a way to attract your attention! But, I want one next week, if that's okay!"

  
"My parents hate you."

"I know."

"The world might hate you when everyone finds out."

"I know."

"Aren't you scared?"

"Of what?"

"People finding out."

"As long as it doesn't involve anyone else."

"That makes you sound like a good person."

"I'm a horrible person."

"That's okay. I'm a monster too."

"You're an angel."

"You're exaggerating."

"It's not wrong to see your beloved as an angel."

Komaeda thought so.

If one of them was a monster, it'd be him.

"Komaeda-kun is a fluffy dog."

"I had a dog once."

"Me too."

"He died."

"Mine did too."

"So do I remind you of your dog?"

"A little. But you're still alive, so it's different."

"Do I need to die so I can resemble your dog more?"

Naegi's hands squeezed his really painfully.

He almost lets out an 'ouch'.

"You're morbidly funny, Komaeda-kun."

Komaeda knows that the what was meant to be said is 'Don't ever say something like that'.

"I'm glad you think so."

"Just stay safe, okay?"

"I'm not sure if I can protect both of us. But if it comes to the serial killer around, I'm sure of it."

"The serial killer?"

"You know… the one that people are talking about?"

"Oh right… I forgot about that…"

"You forgot about something like that?!"

"People stopped talking about it a few days ago!"

"That makes sense."

"But I'm definitely going to protect you! I won't let you get hurt!"

"That's impossible."

"It's not."

Komaeda didn't know how to say it.

"They're going to find out. I'm going to get killed. The police are already investigating—"

"It's okay!"

"There's no one to blame other than—"

"I came up with the killing game! I made that killing game!"

He said it so confidently.

Komaeda would have believed him if he wasn't the mastermind behind it.

"I can't blame you."

"Why not? We came up with it together?"

"I don't want you to be blamed for something you didn't do."

"I'm willing to do anything to make you safe."

Komaeda pulled his head closer.

"Then… don't despair."

"I'm never in despair."

"As long as you're not in despair, I'm happy."

"What if you do?"

"You know what to do when an apple is rotten, do you?"

That might be the best solution.

  
His home was in a good condition.

Well… everything aside from the food.

He had to throw lots of food out.

Some were rotten, some were expired, some was moldy.

He had to go grocery shopping.

He was used to it.

He didn't like it, but he was used to it.

He didn't like the way people judged him for what he buys.

Or how all eyes met his when he entered years ago.

Long ago, he would buy lots of snacks, and someone would ask him.

"Isn't that too much?"

"I'm buying groceries."

"Children shouldn't be allowed to buy groceries. Why don't your parents go?"

And he would be silent. He wouldn't respond.

His parents are dead.

But he's older now.

He no longer gets these questions.

He gets nothing aside from the confused gazes, looking at the amount pre-made or instant food that he buys.

But he knows, they probably don't understand.

  
A hand brushes against his back.

"Oh. Sorry. Am I in the way?"

But even though he moves, the stranger follows him.

Komaeda thinks it's uncomfortable.

"Do you want anything?"

"you're komaeda nagito, right?"

The voice sounded different, yet familiar.

He took a step back, just in case.

"I am. Why are you asking?"

The steps matched his.

"i want to talk."

"I don't want to."

"right? no one would talk to a stranger."

"Just to confirm. You're Morikawa Toshio-kun, right?"

"komaeda—"

"Stay away from me!"

"i understand why you're scared, but i'm not going to do anything."

Komaeda stopped.

"Then… just do whatever you want from me, but don't move closer."

He didn't know what could happen.

He doesn't want it to happen again.

"you changed a lot, but you never changed."

"I'm the same."

"you look familiar, but you could say you seem to love yourself more."

"And you look the same, despite the scars."

"you should blame your lover for that. well… not that i don't deserve it, as he said."

There were something different about him.

"You changed too."

"yes. he had a hand in that. but he's that kind of person, one who lures you in. that's the kind of person he is."

"Don't act like you know him."

"but i do know him. he's why i'm still alive. he's my—"

"He's nothing to you!"

He felt extreme jealousy for some reason.

Morikawa only laughed weakly.

He seemed more pathetic to Komaeda.

"he's my god. he lured you to worship him too, didn't he? you looked at his eyes, and said that he was the only reason worth living for—"

"It's not that."

"he's a monster, and i'm scared of him. but you know? one can be scared of gods—"

"Naegi-kun isn't a god. He's just an ordinary person."

But Morikawa was right.

There was something about Naegi that attracted Komaeda to him.

"maybe you don't deserve him, komaeda. maybe you don't understand yet, but you're going to understand. you're going to understand why naegi-sama is worth living. you're going to live for him too."

He was awfully close.

"Don't touch me."

"you have to understand—"

Komaeda couldn't hear anything aside from his own screaming, aside from his own pleas, aside from his own sobs.

It was just like back then.

But…

  
A hand slaps Morikawa's hands away.

Then clings to his arm.

"It's okay. I'm here."

His sobs eventually die down.

The two pair of eyes stare into each other.

Until a hand reaches to him.

"Don't touch me."

"but— but you—"

"Go away, Morikawa-kun. I can't be bothered to talk to you."

It was insane how Morikawa laughed.

"you're so gracious, naegi-sama! the way you're talking down on me makes me more attached to you. it almost makes me fall in love with you, but i never fell for a boy, but you're special. you're different than the rest—"

"I told you. I have Komaeda-kun. And I would never fall in love with scum like you, so don't get your hopes up!"

"but komaeda isn't worth it, he doesn't even understand—"

"I would do anything for him. I'm even willing to die for him. So I know, that I love him more than anyone else."

"but—"

"If you touch Komaeda-kun again, I'm going to kill you. Slowly, painfully, horribly. You're going to regret it. Hands off."

The words were too grim.

It was unlike him.

But the words still make Morikawa laugh crazily.

It makes Komaeda sick.

"i'm going to wait for it! just kill me! i'd be happy if my life was ended by you—"

Komaeda doesn't hear more than faint noise.

"I'm sorry."

"…"

"I never mentioned it at the hospital, because I didn't want you to worry. But… Morikawa-kun is really obsessed with me for some reason."

"You're— not going to kill him, are you?"

"Of course not."

"Then… why did you—"

"To get his hopes up."

"Huh?"

"Because… it won't hurt."

"He—"

"I won't let him lay any fingers on you, I promise."

"I want to go home, Naegi-kun."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"Is it okay?"

"It's okay."

He's relieved.

"Thank you."

  
"Your house is bigger than I expected."

"It's lonely here."

"Do you need me to put these in the fridge?"

"If that's okay."

"It's fine."

It was a bit awkward.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that again."

"It hurts to see you like that."

"I'm sorry."

"But it's okay. I know why you act like that, so it makes sense."

"But it's annoying—"

He's interrupted with a kiss on his forehead.

"I want to see your true feelings. So don't fake anything, alright?"

His eyes dart to the clock.

"It's getting late."

"It is. I should have arrived home earlier."

"You should hurry up, or they're going to be mad at you."

"Yes… I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Stay safe on the way home."

"I will."

Komaeda couldn't help but smile.

  
He lay on his bed.

He wanted to die.

It made him feel disgusting but he wanted to die.

He looked at the roof.

He looked at the roof.

Blood dripped out.

Few drops falling.

Then more, then more.

He was covered in blood.

He closed his eyes.

Opened them again.

It wasn't real.

Naegi wouldn't die because of him, right?

'It's okay. I'm here.'

"But you're going to be okay, aren't you?"

He holds onto that hope.

Even though today wasn't a good day, tomorrow might be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but we didn't have to see garbage man (morikawa)" you all gotta. next chapter is naegi-centric, or rather, survivors-centric. thank you for reading!


	2. Despite everything, some actions cannot be forgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not that he doesn't understand.
> 
> He knows how they all feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a really late update also i really wanted to add a scene here but it got too long & i thought it'd work better with komaeda's pov.
> 
> also i didn't tag all the survivors but they're all there

It's not that he doesn't understand.

He knows how they all feel.

He knows that they're all angry.

He's not really angry, though.

"I can't hate him."

He had lots of problems.

But he knows that his classmates can hate him.

Dead or alive, they hate him.

Maybe he's wrong.

Maybe he should hate him too.

Maybe that's how Komaeda planned it to be.

"I want to be forgotten."

He probably didn't want that.

He might have preferred hate to being forgotten.

Because if he wanted to be forgotten, he'd erase his memory too, wouldn't he?

His lover is too mysterious.

  
They're not taking everything too well.

He's not sure how they all feel towards him.

The classroom that once had sixteen students only had six seats occupied.

"That's not how our classmates would want you to feel—"

"Easy for someone who saved the mastermind's life to say."

Maybe he couldn't understand how they felt.

"Everyone deserves a chance."

"Then why didn't you try to save other people?!"

He had no answer.

"You had ten other people to save! But you chose the one who caused—"

"Asahina-san… calm down."

"But—"

"I'm sure he had his reasons. Besides, we don't know much about Komaeda-san to know what his personality is like."

"Are you suggesting that he knows the mastermind more than us?"

All eyes turned to him.

"Not really."

"So you rescued someone without knowing anything about them?"

"It's not that."

He just didn't know.

He didn't understand Komaeda.

After all, he never really understood his thought process, or his motives.

"Then why did you save him? Why didn't you just let him die?"

"I couldn't let him die."

"Then why did you stab him?"

"Because I had to find a way to save both of you."

"You could've talked about it."

"He wouldn't do that."

"How do you know that much?"

"He didn't give us a choice like that in the first place. It was either us or him."

"He's pretty smart."

That's right.

He had always been really smart.

He's just weak.

If he was stronger, he'd be idealistic.

No— even more than idealistic.

"…He is…"

"What's with that look?"

"Nothing much."

Is he blushing right now?

He hopes not.

  
"Were you the mastermind?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's a lie, isn't it?"

"…"

"Naegi-kun, I feel like neither of you are collaborating."

"You know the answer already, sir."

"Then why did you change it?"

"It's not wrong, to protect people."

"You're not protecting someone innocent right now. You're protecting someone who killed people indirectly."

"He didn't—"

"You can't keep telling yourself he's innocent."

Kirigiri Jin was good at arguments.

Naegi Makoto was bad at them.

He couldn't answer back to all of it.

"There's no proof."

"He revealed himself as one."

"That's not a proof. It could've been me. He could've been my pawn."

"I thought it was that way too, but there's no possibility of you being the culprit."

"You're wrong. You're wrong."

"After all, you had no reason to kill your—"

"I did it! I killed them! I'm the culprit!"

"If you really did it, you wouldn't say it like that."

"But I did it! I killed—"

"When Komaeda-kun said that he's the culprit, he said it with a calm smile. It's too obvious that you're lying."

"But I told you—

"You're both just protecting each other."

"Huh?"

"Komaeda-kun begged me to not frame you for anything, but you're doing the same. So I wonder which one of you is the true culprit."

"It's—"

"Obviously Komaeda-kun."

"Why do you think so, sir?"

"Because it's how Komaeda-kun is. I've known him for three years, and I know him better than anyone else."

"You're wrong."

"He had always been like that, causing problems by accident, not feeling much remorse over it."

"You don't know me though."

"Then what would be your motive for starting a killing game consisting of your own classmates?"

"I don't—"

"That's right. You don't have one."

"I'm the culprit."

"I think it's just too much pressure on both of you, so you're dismissed for now."

"It's me."

"Yes, yes. You can discuss more of that later on."

Naegi wishes they were perfect copies of each others.

  
"Would you talk to them?"

It was a stupid question.

"No."

That was a simple answer to a stupid question.

"Why not?"

"Why would one talk to the person who caused the deaths of their friends?"

"Because that's how it should be."

"I should've died."

"Only according to your plan, not mine."

"You never had a plan. Neither a reason to join."

"I had you."

"You don't act rationally."

Neither did Komaeda.

Naegi thought.

Why would you involve someone in a plan, then pretend they had nothing to do with it?

"Neither do you."

"I had a plan with you there. What was yours?"

"I didn't have one."

"Because you're that kind of person."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"Who knows."

"I'll take it as one."

"It might be a compliment. I think you're an idiot, but you're a good one."

"You're almost like a monster, but I've always loved you."

"Why?"

"Because you're almost like a monster, not a monster."

"I'm almost one right now."

"It's not like I'm going to stop loving you because of that alone."

"What do I need to do so you could hate me?"

"Something worse."

"Like?"

"I don't know, destroy the entire world."

"You know I can't do that."

"It might be difficult for you alone."

Two hands pressed against his cheeks.

"Did you change?"

"Change?"

"Are you despairing?"

He wasn't.

"No."

"As long as you don't despair, I love you."

"And once I do?"

"I'll hate you with every cell inside my body."

"I never despair."

"I know you don't. It scares me."

Maybe out of both of them, Naegi was the one who seemed more like a monster.

  
He eventually does agree.

Only after more begging.

Or more than more begging.

Everyone is silent.

He's silent too.

He's not sure what to say.

"I—"

"What is he doing here!?"

"I just thought—"

"That we can start a normal conversation with him after what happened?"

"Of course you can't. I think this is a bad idea."

"You— You can't say that when you're already here!"

"Well… then I'm leaving."

That's going worse.

"Wait! You have to at least apologize to them!"

He stopped dead at his tracks.

Komaeda would understand that.

He's a nice person.

Or… a somewhat nice person.

Perhaps not as nice as most people, but still a good person.

"I'm not."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sorry."

What is he saying?

"That's fine."

He didn't expect it from her.

Kirigiri Kyouko was a bit like her father.

"You expect us to believe that what you did wasn't in the least bit wrong?"

"No, but you had a way to stay safe, right?"

"It wasn't like you gave us any way to stay safe!"

"Maybe you were just greedy. I'm disappointed in the ones who led themselves to their death."

"Don't say that!"

He didn't understand why Komaeda was unnecessarily cruel.

"But it's true. If they listened to you, they wouldn't die, would they?"

"You think it was supposed to be that easy?!"

"It is."

"You just don't understand! You've never been in a situation like that—"

"And how do you know that?"

He needed to say something.

He needed to make things better.

"Just try to get along!"

"And how are we supposed to do that?"

"Everyone calm down."

"Y'know, it's kinda difficult to calm down when the mastermind is in front of us."

"If you want to feel it, then fine!"

Things were a mess.

He's lucky he noticed the thrust of the knife.

It goes through part of his body.

The knife drops to the ground.

"Huh?"

It was even worse than the first time.

But the first time was just a simple cut.

Even his eyes looked different.

"I'm going to kill you."

"I didn't—"

"Shut up and die. Shut up and die. Shut up and die. Die. Die."

He's even more angry than before.

He doesn't want anything bad to happen.

He laughed sheepishly.

"I'm fi—fine… There's no need to be angry."

It wasn't fine.

The wound wasn't small. If he lost enough blood, he'd die.

But he thought it was.

After all, Komaeda didn't get hurt.

Maybe it really was a bad idea.

  
"I was hoping things would be better."

"Who even lunges towards a knife? Are you crazy?"

"You could've died."

"I wouldn't die. It's impossible for me to die."

"You'd still get hurt."

The wound doesn't hurt much now.

"I'm sorry. For being an idiot."

"That's okay. I should've known it'd never work out. I just love you both."

They all had a chance though.

A chance for forgiveness.

"I know. But it feels impossible for us to get along."

"I haven't told them that you're my boyfriend."

"You think they'd change their minds when they know that? I think they'd just hate you more."

"I don't think they hate me."

"Do you hate them?"

"I don't."

"Some tried to kill you."

"You did too."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't think they know that I wanted to save everyone."

"It's not your fault."

"If I had died first, you would have let them go, right?"

"Who knows."

"You have to know. Your plan's root was me."

"Maybe I would be angry at them, for killing you."

"It's how survival is. It was in the rules."

"If you died, I would've died with you too."

"I wouldn't let you."

"You wouldn't be able to stop me."

"I would be able to if we shared the same body."

Komaeda seemed to stare at the wall.

"It could've been a happier end, if it didn't happen."

"You're going to be happy."

"I can't be happy."

"But you're happy with me."

"I know, but it feels like I'm breaking the rules. I'm not supposed to be."

"Life is cruel to you, so you deserve to be happy."

"It's cruel to me because it should be that way."

"Can't I take your place?"

"You wouldn't last."

Another pause.

"Do you hate my friends?"

"A little."

"Why?"

"I don't hate all of them, but most of them."

"They're talented, though. You should've liked them more than me."

"You're much better than them."

"I'm not much compared to them."

"If you weren't, you wouldn't get worshipped."

"It's not like I asked him to worship me."

"Maybe so. Morikawa-kun had always been crazy."

"You liked him."

"That's because I thought he was much more better than me. I never fall in love with anyone who's inferior to me."

Something about the words felt both self-deprecating and romantic.

  
"I'm sorry."

"Oh that's fine, Asahina-san! It didn't cause too much trouble."

He knew deep inside they cared about him.

"You could've died!"

"It's not the first time something like that happened."

He could still feel Ikusaba's knife over his neck.

"But… I'm glad nothing dangerous happened. We wouldn't want to lose another friend."

"It's okay."

"That Komaeda person, he's pretty much an annoyance."

"He's just a jerk."

"What do you think about him?"

That was a difficult question.

"He's nice."

"Huh? What do you mean!?"

"He's nicer than how he's acting now."

"So you really do know each other."

"You could say that…"

He should've expected Kirigiri to know.

"Can I talk to you in private?"

He felt a bit nervous.

"Sure…"

She dragged him outside.

It'd be dangerous if she knew.

She leads him to an empty room.

"You know… I'm not really angry at him. So, you could tell me how you truly feel."

"I told you. I think he's nice."

"I want to know more."

"About what?"

"Him. Your relationship."

"Where to start…" He hummed a bit, "He's difficult to understand."

"How so?"

"It's difficult to work out how he truly feels. Mostly because he's always smiling."

"He seemed to be really angry back there."

"Because I got stabbed."

"Why did he care so much?"

"It's a secret."

He couldn't tell her. It's too embarrassing.

"Is it a dangerous secret?"

"A little. It's more of embarrassing rather than dangerous."

She looked lost in her thoughts for a while.

"Say his name."

"Komaeda Nagito."

"Say his last name only."

"Ko—Komaeda-kun…"

He couldn't break the promise.

"Naegi-kun… you can't refer to a senior with these honorifics, unless you're close."

"I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"I think you'd hate me."

"But I don't hate you, for being close to him."

"Then… don't tell anyone?"

"I promise."

"We're lovers…"

He could swear she was laughing as she held her hand to her mouth.

"I didn't expect that was it. But… to love the mastermind, that's dangerous."

"I don't think he meant harm. I don't think he hates you." Komaeda didn't hate them, deep inside he knew, "He's just angry about what happened."

"You're both protective."

"Huh?"

"You're defending him, he got angry about you being stabbed. It's as if you're both protecting each other without wanting to be protected."

She was right.

"But what surprised me is that he hid it to perfectly."

"He's smart."

"Did you know?"

"No."

It's what Komaeda would want him to say.

"Do you think we would get along, if the killing game didn't happen?"

"Maybe."

"Why not?"

"He doesn't have much friends."

"Is it okay to say that about your own lover?"

"I think so."

"Would you sacrifice our lives to save him?"

"No. He wouldn't want that."

"What does he want you to do?"

"A heroic thing."

"He demands too much."

"But I'm fine with it. I did something both heroic and suspicious."

"Saving him?"

"I couldn't kill my own lover, he's angry at me for it."

"His talent wasn't despair, right?"

"It's luck. He doesn't like it."

"That's unexpected. For you to share the same talent."

"I think that's why we were close."

"Do you think he'd talk with me if I talked with him?"

"I think he would."

"So should I talk with him?"

"Some other day. He's too furious today."

"I see. We should return to class, right?"

"Others might get worried."

  
"You took too long!"

"Was it that important?"

"It was."

"I wonder what it was about…"

"So-Some nonsense maybe."

"Was it perhaps a love confession?!"

"That's not it, Hagakure-kun!"

Of course he couldn't tell them.

He knows his classmates still hate Komaeda.

He knows that there are no chances for them to forgive him.

But he believes that it'd happen.

Maybe one day.

Maybe Komaeda could understand too.

Maybe he could apologize on his own.

Even though they didn't forgive him today, they might do tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is going to be komaeda-centric, but saying too much will be spoiler-y so i don't have much to say. thank you for reading!


	3. Despite everything, hope always wins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's all for the sake of seeing something good happening because of it. Just how my luck works. You could say it's a sacrifice."
> 
> "Sacrifice for what?"
> 
> "For the entire world, for the entirety of Japan, for Hope's Peak, for them, for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! the new chapter! it's been one month since the last chapter so i'm sorry (i promise next one would be faster) have a nice read!

It's a bit frightening, a bit exciting.

It feels fair.

"Maybe you do value justice over all, Headmaster."

"Maybe that's the right decision."

"Maybe? Are you too unsure?"

"It might be better than doing nothing to settle it."

"Might? Aren't you sure?"

"I don't need you to mock me for that. Not everyone is sure how to handle rough situations."

"Then doesn't it mean that you haven't grown?"

"And does that make you a grown adult?"

"Maybe…"

"Aren't you the one who's too unsure?"

"I'm sure about the future."

"What are you going to do when things don't go as planned?"

"Things could never go downhill. I'm certain of that."

"You're a brilliant strategist."

"I have no plan in mind, though."

"But you said—"

"I'm going to come up with one, though."

"You can't plan something on the last minute."

"I can."

"Well… it wouldn't necessarily work."

"It will."

"You're too confident in yourself."

It was just confidence in luck.

Because if anything fixed everything, it'd be his luck.

  
He walked through the hallways.

It feels lonely without his junior yelling at him to go to class immediately.

"Komaeda-senpai."

It was one of the few times he got called that.

He didn't hear it much.

"Yes?"

"Can I have a word with you?"

"Is it an interrogation?"

Detectives loved to interrogate.

"Just a chat."

"Just a chat, huh… Then say what you want to say."

"The truth is that I can't forgive you."

"I'm not even sorry."

"I can tolerate you as a person, and I don't hate you as much as the rest do. But you still made a mistake—"

"That's not the Kirigiri-san I know."

"I've never changed."

"Maybe it's your memories returning. Isn't that a good thing?"

"Did you manipulate him?"

"Isn't that an interrogation?"

"Answer me."

"I don't manipulate people. That's a lazy method."

"It's cruel, to put the person you like in danger."

"But he wasn't in danger."

"He almost died. He could've died."

"Why do you think I didn't completely eliminate Alter Ego?"

"That doesn't change the fact that you still put him in danger."

"What if I wanted him to die?"

"It would be a lie."

"Why do you think so?"

"You looked furious when he got stabbed a few days ago."

"I can't deny that anymore. You're good at interrogating people."

"Detectives aim for the truth."

"That's why they uncover things easily."

"Do you hate detectives?"

"I admire them."

"I expected that you would."

"Why?"

"Because you're a criminal."

"Some criminals have a strong sense of justice."

"Do you count yourself as one of them?"

"Is the interrogation over? I'm busy."

"It can be over now, but—"

"That was your last chance."

He walked away.

Maybe he should've mentioned that first.

  
He could say he had a strong sense of justice.

Maybe that's why he's trying to win.

"I'm going to win it."

"This isn't a matter of winning, it's a matter of losing."

"Then I'm going to lose."

It wasn't that he was angry.

It wasn't that he meant to threaten him like that.

"Don't get in my way or I'll crush you."

"It's okay."

"I'm not joking."

"I don't care."

"Go that far and I'll hate you."

"You wouldn't. You said you'd only hate me if I fell in despair."

"Isn't sacrificing yourself to someone a form of despair?"

"No. It's heroic."

"Not if it's built on a lie."

"It's not a lie, it's a half-truth."

"A half-truth is still a half-lie."

"That's—"

The door opened, cutting their conversation off.

They were both silent.

"It's the final trial, so you should take that seriously."

They knew that.

That's why it felt like a competition.

A competition deciding who loses.

The aim for both of them was to lose.

To let the other win.

He hated that method of all.

"Sir, as I said it's my fault."

The Headmaster's eyes turned to him.

"He's right."

"That's the first time you said that."

"I was trying to keep it a secret."

That was his plan.

"What was your motive?"

The Headmaster's attention shifted away from him.

He seemed to look for an answer.

Look for a lie to support his lie.

"It's obvious… I didn't like my classmates."

"That's a lie. You're really close to your classmates, Naegi-kun."

"…"

It seemed like he was looking at Komaeda for help.

Well… you can't lie without someone believing your lie.

But that wasn't part of the plan.

"Shouldn't the culprit reveal their own story?"

"Yes."

"Then, tell me truthfully, what was your motive?"

"It seemed fun…"

"Do you like taking risks?"

"…"

Something about it felt satisfying.

To feel like he was losing the argument.

It felt like he was the winner already.

"If you wanted to kill your friends, wouldn't it be easier to put Komaeda-kun in your place?"

"I didn't want him to get hurt."

"Then shouldn't you not have had him involved at all?"

"I—"

"Do you have a proof at all that you were the mastermind?"

"I—"

It felt like he was on edge.

Slowly breaking.

Slowly shattering.

"You need to provide evidence for—"

"Stop it."

At some point, he couldn't bear it.

He can't believe he thought it would be fun to watch that happen.

"I can't stop a trial without a decision—"

"You know it has been me all along."

"That's… wrong… It's me…"

"Please give up on me."

"No…"

His words sounded slow.

"What's your evidence, Komaeda-kun?"

"That's why I have been missing for the few days before the game started. You can find my fingerprints on the key."

"How did you get that?"

"I got it from you."

"I don't remember giving it to you."

"I stole it."

"Then that's it."

"I think this trial was useless, considering I was the biggest suspect."

"Well then… you lost. I need to have a talk with you later on."

"That's alright."

"You both are dismissed."

He won his loss, but it wasn't satisfying.

  
"We can skip class together, right?"

"…"

"Attending classes isn't important."

"Why?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you pretend it was me, only to turn suspicion to you?"

"Because I wanted to see you struggle with coming up with reasoning. I didn't expect you'd lose your composure, so I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to be punished."

"That's the only way it worked in the game, right?"

"It's not a game."

"But it has the same system."

"What will happen to you?"

"I don't know yet."

"Then why—"

"It seems fair for me to be punished."

"You didn't do much wrong."

"And are you implying you did more wrong than me?"

"It just hurts."

"How much?"

"A lot."

"But you're not crying."

"I can't cry, that's why it hurts a lot."

"Why can't you cry?"

"It's just impossible, for me to cry."

Komaeda brushed a hand against his bangs.

"Oh. You really aren't crying."

"I want to cry, but I can't."

"…"

"Will you make me cry?"

"Do I look like a person who makes others cry?"

"You do."

"That's a false statement."

"You make me sad."

"That's not a good thing, is it?"

"It is. I'm glad I can feel sad when I'm with you."

"Do I make you happy?"

"You make me happy."

"Even though you're in that state because of me?"

"It doesn't matter what happens to me."

"It does."

"I might not be able to see you again."

"You can live with that."

"I know."

"That's why you don't need to think about it."

"I can't do anything memorable for you."

"What kind of memorable thing you had in mind?"

"I don't know."

"Was it sex?"

"Why would you think that?"

"It's memorable."

"I can't do that when I can't kiss you."

"Then do you want to kiss me?"

"I want to, but I'm not."

"Why?"

"Because you don't like it."

"I will hold still."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

He leaned closer.

Komaeda leaned away.

"You said you'd hold still."

"I'm sorry."

The cold hands pressed against his cheeks.

"Close your eyes."

He couldn't see anything around him.

The sensation on his lips lingered, even when he opened his eyes.

Even when he saw that their lips weren't meeting.

He pressed a finger around his lips.

"I'm happy."

"I expected you'd have a negative reaction."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Why?"

"Because… you might cheer up."

"Oh. That's fine."

Their lips meet another time.

Komaeda knows it won't do much.

It's just a kiss, not a plan to make them both safe.

  
It's bothersome to be in a place full of people.

"It's me."

He says, because it's the truth.

"Are you sure, Kirigiri Jin-san?"

"I'm sure of it."

"For a kid to plan it all, it's messed up."

Komaeda smiles.

He almosts wants to laugh.

"That's why it's unpredictable, is it?"

"Komaeda-kun, was it? You're almost a genius criminal. It would be a perfect plan if you did not plead guilty."

"I had to, Sir."

He had to protect Naegi after all.

"To start off, a trial is needed—"

"I plead guilty."

"So you really want to have a punishment."

"Preferably an execution."

"That's too extreme, I told you you wouldn't face something like that—"

"But Headmaster, that's the safest way, right?"

"That's still really extreme."

"In his case, it's possible."

"Really!?"

"You sure are excited to be punished. Criminals rarely feel like that."

"Because I'm a criminal of justice."

"Even though you killed innocents?"

He has no response for that.

"If you're planning for an execution, can I choose the method?"

"No."

"But my luck will be in the way."

"Your luck?"

"It's why I'm here in the first place."

"Super High School Level Good Luck, huh?"

That's the only thing that could ruin it all.

That title.

"It's not fun to say, is it?"

He said it to lots of people, he grew bored of it.

"Then, Komaeda-kun. We should discuss a suitable punishment for you."

"So I can choose a way to be executed?"

"Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"Because that would be the punishment I would give someone else. That's how it happened in the killing game."

"So as an apology for executing the other students, you would—"

"Not as an apology, just as how things should be."

"You have a strong sense of justice for a killer."

"It's all for the sake of seeing something good happening because of it. Just how my luck works. You could say it's a sacrifice."

"Sacrifice for what?"

"For the entire world, for the entirety of Japan, for Hope's Peak, for them, for you."

"Is it really a sacrifice?"

"No killing games will happen anymore."

"Technically none could happen if no one hears about it and gets inspired by you."

"Isn't the reason you found out because it got leaked to the public?"

"We confirmed them as rumors."

"That's just lying to the public."

"That's to make them uninspired by you."

"That makes sense."

"You wouldn't want that others to steal your plan, right?"

"Yes. I thought a lot about it."

He frankly didn't care.

Besides, no one else other than him can make it work.

"Then… we will think about it."

"Consider what I said before."

"About sacrifice?"

"That and the fact that I won't start a killing game again."

"You can't start a killing game when you're in jail anyway."

"If I was in jail, it'd be obvious that the game happened, right? So just kill me in secret."

"If we kill you, the public will ask why once they know about it."

"Then just stage it as someone else."

"Like what?"

"Suicide."

It was what his execution was supposed to be.

It was what his falling from the rooftop was supposed to be.

But he can't do it by himself.

It was more of assisted suicide than execution.

"At this point, I'm sure your execution will just be assisted suicide."

The cops understood too.

"Then… we should settle it later."

They gave a nod.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Having a strong sense of justice."

It seemed wrong to say that.

He looked at the Headmaster.

"It wouldn't be useful to expel you now."

"That's right."

"It's not that I want to expel you."

"I know."

The Headmaster was really rotten to the core.

"Then… you're dismissed."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Not bringing him into that."

"Well… he wasn't the culprit."

"But you suspected him."

"My suspicions proved wrong."

"So you see him as a hero now?"

"Probably not."

That was disappointing.

Nothing in his plan succeeded.

At least he's going to die, if his luck doesn't ruin that too.

  
He tries to say goodbye to everyone in his own way.

He wishes his classmates good luck further in life.

He wishes the first years to have a good life.

He stands in front of the class of the second years.

When he opens the door, all the sounds disappear.

They're all silent.

"I'm going to get punished, so you don't need to worry about making me pay for that."

It's the truth.

"So you decided on turning yourself in."

"Mhm. So I wanted to say a few final words to you."

"That you're sorry?"

"Oh. No. I don't feel sorry at all." But it was a lie, he felt sorry because they all died for no reason, "I just wanted to thank you."

"Thank us?"

"It was really fun. It wouldn't be fun if it weren't for all of you, so thank you."

"Are you joking?!"

Oh. They're angry.

Maybe that's the time to go to the one he should bid farewell.

He knocks a few times on the door, but there's no answer.

The door is unlocked.

Komaeda laughs.

"You're asking to be murdered, aren't you?"

But it's not a killing game, so he'll be safe.

He's asleep, so he can't bid him a proper farewell.

But that's better, he wouldn't be in pain.

He already seems to be in pain.

He sits on the edge of the bed.

Of course a trial would be exhausting, even if it had no execution.

"I've always admired you. It was amazing that I found someone like you."

He was the first.

"I hated the fact that you were mediocre, I wanted you to become someone better than what they gave you."

He hated how ordinary he was, but he couldn't hate him.

"So I wanted to make you someone great, Super High School Level Hope."

That's how he planned himself to be. A stepping stone to a greater hope.

"But I ended up making a mess, even dragging you into it. I wish it didn't happen. I'm sorry."

It was inevitable.

"Maybe if I erased your memories, it'd work. But I'm too selfish, and I didn't want you to hate me. I'm sorry."

He had no way to control it.

"I can't apologize to anyone other than you, because I put you through a lot."

More than he put anyone else through.

"I can't thank you for what you did for me, it will never be enough."

Because he didn't have much to offer.

"But thank you for everything. For going through all that for me, for hurting someone for me, for trying to save me, for trying to convince everyone to forgive me, for forigiving me, for loving me, for being my lover, for being my hero, for being Super High School Level Hope."

He laughed as he covered his eyes with his sleeves.

"Look, you made me cry. Maybe you had always been someone who makes others cry."

He didn't want to say goodbye.

"Time is running out, so I need to be quick."

He put the key to his room in the other's hand.

"Please don't be sad. I never die, after all."

He smiled.

"I'll see you later."

  
It was wrong to do things that way.

"Are you sure you want the execution to take place here?"

"Yes."

"It's quite open to public."

"Don't worry. I don't have any neighbours."

They all moved when they heard about his curse.

"Oh. Aren't you going to answer that?"

He drops his phone to the ground.

"No."

He crushes it with his foot until it breaks.

"Do you plan to have a fast death?"

"No."

"How do you want it to be done?"

"Burn the entire house down."

"Huh?"

"That'd make me die easily. Probably."

"Probably?"

"I can't trust my luck."

"So you're uncertain."

"It's going to be effective."

"Then… we should start."

He hums.

"I'm entering the house now."

"That's too early."

"I need a moment."

"To bid farewell to your house too?"

"Yes."

It seemed ridiculous but the memories in it were important.

"It must be a shame, right?"

He laughed.

"I'm sure you never wanted it to end like that."

"I'm sorry for the disappointment, but I'm not."

"I'm sorry for killing myself now, but I'm not."

"Criminals have to get this punishment."

"I said cruel things about you before, so don't be angry."

"It's a shame I can't apologize to you properly either."

"But I'm sorry for burning everything you collected, all your memories, all of our memories."

"So please don't be mad if we see each other again, Mother, Father."

The smell of smoke is faint.

"Oh. It already started."

That's a good thing.

That he might die soon.

"Goodbye."

  
Almost everything in this room is burning.

It's a miracle that he didn't die because of suffocation yet.

"It's almost over."

There's no escape.

Kirigiri Kyouko had called him Super High School Level Despair, but even though he hated it, maybe it's more proper to call him that.

But Super High School Level Hope wouldn't fall in love with Super High School Level Despair, and Super High School Level Despair wouldn't fall in love with Super High School Level Hope.

But he could pretend.

Maybe that's the moment.

The moment hope wins.

That's how it was supposed to be.

That was the point of the killing game.

"It would've been nice if I was able to use my own execution."

But it's too late for that.

He closes his eyes and laughs.

His clothes catch on fire.

Today was really eventful but maybe tomorrow would be less eventful.

"That would be the case, if there was a tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it for komaeda's pov! next chapter (final) is naegi-related & for it, i probably recommend you to re-read the series (or this one at least) (but this chapter has references from the previous story/chapters too so i should have recommended it earlier)


	4. Despite everything, despair finds a way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The curtains fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took a long time to write this because i'm one lazy asshole but enjoy reading

Lots of the public never know.

That's a good thing.

It's seen just as an accident.

A house being in flames, many police officers dying in it.

Except no one knows that it's his house.

It's what he expected.

"Can a normal person defeat good luck like that?"

Of course that luck would take the lives of many people.

It protected him all these years.

The police still go back to the school, asking the headmaster about whether Komaeda was there or not.

About receiving letters from him.

Many letters.

The letters almost sounded threatening, had it not been for his calm personality.

Is Komaeda Nagito still alive?

Who knows.

  
"You came."

"So?"

"You sound out of character."

"Oh! Sorry!"

He smiled.

"But you don't have to. You don't have to come here either. You need time."

"I'm okay."

"You definitely are not."

"I said I was. That's enough, right?"

"No. I know you're still hurt."

"Why would I be?"

"Because the one you were trying to protect died."

"It hurts, but I'm fine."

"Just because you barely cry doesn't mean you're fine."

"It's fine."

"He would want you to—"

"He never even gave me a proper goodbye."

"Listen—"

"I tried to call him, but he never picked it up."

"He broke his phone."

"He's really cruel. But…"

"But?"

"I can't hate him."

"That's how he felt too."

"I know. I shouldn't have ruined his plan, right?"

"Maybe his plan itself was a failure."

"I knew he couldn't bring himself to erase my memories."

"So you're bidding him proper farewell today, huh?"

"You can tell?"

"The flowers."

"My classmates hate him, so I can't guarantee them to be there when I return."

"So you don't trust them?"

"I do, just not when it comes to him."

"Do you blame your classmates for his death?"

"We are all responsible for his death, so yes."

"You are all responsible, huh…"

"No. Not us only. You're included too, Sir."

"So you are blaming everyone for Komaeda-kun's death?"

"You decided to turn him in."

"And your classmates?"

"They pressured him to die."

"And his classmates?"

"They might have turned him that way."

"And you?"

"I saved him."

"Shouldn't we all be executed then?"

"This isn't a killing game."

"That's the opposite of what he said."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"I'll go back then."

He walks to the door.

"Wait."

"Hm?"

"Naegi-kun, are you sure you're okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Are you trying to relieve your emotional state?"

"I'm planning to, starting today."

"Will it work?"

"I'm certain."

  
He's not one to hate his classmates.

He had always been nice to them.

This was a first.

"So is Komaeda—"

"Yes."

"You don't have to be so angry."

He's silent.

"Are you just going to sulk over a murderer?"

"That's what everyone did in the killing game, right?"

"We were all forced into that because of him! Everyone had no choice, but he—"

"Maybe that was the only thing he could do!"

"Why are you so persistent over defending him?"

He lost too much at that point.

So he could say it. Right?

"I love him!"

Everyone is silent.

Maybe he should've said it differently.

"You—"

He couldn't handle how they looked at him.

Maybe they will never trust him ever again.

"But he died."

"So it didn't matter to you?"

Of course it did.

They were all his friends.

But they died meaninglessly because of him.

The story was ruined because of him.

Of course the ending wasn't supposed to be happy.

But the protagonist had to defeat the antagonist.

The protagonist had to kill the antagonist.

He had to die.

"I didn't want anyone to die."

What would happen if the protagonist died first?

Would there be another protagonist or will the story ends at its beginning?

"He was the reason for it to happen—"

"He wasn't!"

Naegi knew it was him all along.

It was all for the Super High School Level Hope.

Though he doesn't consider himself as that.

He failed.

The silence was painful.

"I'm sorry."

There was no way they all can forgive him.

He hated them.

But he still didn't want things to get worse.

"I'm sorry for not being to save everyone else."

"Hey-Hey… it's not really your fault—"

"You don't understand, it'd make no sense! It doesn't make any sense!"

What was the point of creating someone better?

What was the point of Super High School Level Hope?

What was the point of all of it if there were only five survivors?

"Things shouldn't have turned out like that."

Maybe he should've done something about it.

Something more effective than what he did before.

Something that the past him would find it difficult to do.

  
He's not sure if they all know.

So he stands. He stands. He hopes no one is inside the class.

He opens it and all eyes turn to him.

Almost as if they'd never seen anyone like him before.

The bouquet is slowly falling apart.

"What are you here for? Confessing your love to someone?"

"I wonder."

It would feel less bitter if that was what he's trying to do.

"So… who's the lucky one?"

"The lucky one…?"

He's not sure what they meant to say.

"Oh. That's too bad. I think he's not coming back again."

They misinterpreted that.

"I know."

"I wonder what happened…"

"Probably got in problems. You know that guy."

They weren't exactly wrong.

But if only they knew.

If only they knew that—

"He's dead."

It just slipped out from his mouth.

Yes.

He's dead.

He came here to say 'goodbye', not 'I love you'.

"D-Died?!"

He can never tell them what happened, right?

"Yes."

"So he finally killed himself, huh?"

What's up with that attitude?

"Hey… you shouldn't talk like that, right?"

"Huh?"

They don't really like him, right?

They were a bit similar.

They're both hated by their classmates.

Or at least, Naegi thinks he is.

"That's why I'm giving him that. As a farewell."

He already confessed his love.

The bouquet was already ruined. There were barely any flowers inside.

He was meant to be unfortunate.

"Goodbye."

I love you.

He meant to say that too.

But it wasn't that he was going to confess his love.

Just say his goodbyes.

But it wasn't enough.

It didn't make him feel better either.

  
He's been holding onto the key since he found it in his hand.

It makes no sense why Komaeda would give him the key for his room, but he thinks there's something for him inside.

He's not sure what's supposed to be for him.

"It's too clean."

It's like he decided to clean his room before dying.

"Is it that?"

That's just a simple alarm clock.

"Or maybe that?"

No. Definitely not the blanket.

"He should've left some instructions."

He stares at the closet.

"Maybe there's something valuable in there— no… something important…"

It's not like he's going to rob Komaeda from his things.

Not that Komaeda would care if he did that.

"Oh—"

He didn't wear his jacket?

"Is it that?"

Most likely, he thinks.

It's too long on him.

He'd look ridiculous if he wore that with his own hoodies.

He does that anyway.

"It looks great."

It still smells like him too, but he won't say that out loud.

"That has to be it, right?"

Right?

"I should be heading off now. It wouldn't be a good idea to arrive late."

Maybe he could avoid some more people too.

"That's because it's my story, right?"

What role is he playing right now?

"Who knows."

He hopes the rest of his day goes better.

  
He's been writing a lot.

Komaeda Nagito has been writing a lot.

Some were unsent letters, some were sent.

He's not sure whether to send these ones too.

But that's a lot of work.

He should be doing a lot more.

"I wonder if they're going to do anything."

Komaeda Nagito was an antagonist.

The story can't move forward without an antagonist.

"In the first place, I'm a bit of an unreliable antagonist."

He wasn't doing the work necessary for him to do.

But he believes that things will work out well.

"I just have to trust my talent, right?"

Komaeda Nagito didn't know how to plan anything.

He had to admit that.

"I just have to try my best, huh?"

Fingers made contact with his hand.

He pointed a knife to these eyes.

The same eyes that always followed him.

The same eyes he despises.

"Don't look at me like that."

The eyes pierced through him.

They never turned around.

One-sided love is truly horrible.

"Would you prefer if I took out your eyeballs?"

"…"

"Give me an answer."

"you're not komaeda to act like that."

"Then who am I?"

"you're you, naegi-sama."

"I'm allowed to have two names, right?"

"…"

"My name is Komaeda Nagito. That's who I am."

But he wasn't Komaeda.

He was Komaeda Nagito.

It was different.

Komaeda Nagito's name didn't mean anything.

But he preferred that name to staying nameless.

He couldn't have a hero and a villain go by the same name.

But it didn't feel like that.

"no."

"Hm?"

"no. no. no. you're not komaeda. i hate komaeda."

The knife slid down his skin.

"You're right. I'm Komaeda Nagito, not Komaeda."

Drops of blood began to fall down.

"And don't worry. I'm going to kill you."

Morikawa took a step back.

Komaeda Nagito took a step forward.

"Are you scared?"

"i hate you."

Another step back.

Another step forward.

"You wanted to be by my side, right?"

"not you."

"Really?"

Another step back.

Another step forward.

"STAY AWAY!"

"Oh. You're back to how you were before? But it still sounds so helpless. You're scared, right?"

Another step back.

Another step forward.

"You'd like it, right?"

"STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY!"

"If we were together forever, forever, for always, for eternity."

Another step back.

No step forward.

"That's it, right?"

It seemed that he preferred jumping than that.

"I didn't want things to turn out like that."

It was his true feelings.

Naegi didn't want Morikawa to die like that.

He imagined something more painful.

Suicide isn't really that painful.

He hopes Morikawa is still alive.

Maybe he can die slowly next time.

Painfully, slowly, deserving of that fate.

"Poor Morikawa-kun. He's going to die alone."

Die with no one.

Die without a talent.

Even if he killed himself, it's not like he'd have those.

He had nothing.

He wasn't meant to have anything important.

A part of Naegi pities him, despite how much he hates him.

  
He was in a hurry.

It was a stressful day.

"I'm sorry."

He couldn't let him go.

"I know it hurts, but bear with me, okay?"

A boy his age.

That's the one this time.

"It will hurt a lot, so forgive me."

The knife tore through his cold skin.

And the boy let out a muffled scream.

"Shh… it has to hurt, you know?"

He couldn't give him a satisfying fast death.

"It's stress relief. Stress relief."

He took out the syringe.

"I'm just a high school student, so I'm bad at that."

He inserted it.

"I'm sorry if it doesn't lessen the pain."

It didn't.

The boy thrashed.

"Stay still."

The boy kept resisting.

"You're troublesome, it's getting boring."

He stabbed him right in the heart.

The boy stopped moving, blood poured from his chest.

Naegi could only look at his bloody hands.

"It did its job for a short time at least."

He puts his knife in the pocket of—

"Wait. There's something in there."

A letter.

He wonders who it's supposed to be for.

'I'm sorry for not being able to talk to you one last time.'

"You should be."

'But you were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you up.'

That's ridiculous.

'I know you might feel upset, but I feel bad about it. Anyway, if you're reading that, then it means that I died. It's difficult to accept but I'm dead. To be truthful, it feels like I died years ago.'

He could understand.

'But you might have given me life again. I don't know… But since I died, I want you to move on.'

"Move on…?"

'I just realized that it didn't matter. The killing game, your friends' deaths, it all didn't matter. It all didn't work. It was all stupid.'

"No…"

It wasn't stupid.

It did matter.

It was to make a greater—

'You were already hope. And I was already hopeless. I was just too caught up in my own ideals to realize that. But it ended up to be a mess.'

It did work.

It did work.

It did work.

'I ended up ruining your life.'

"You didn't… no, you didn't…"

'If you want the truth, I've always liked you. I've always been afraid of being hated by you someday.'

"I could never hate you! You know that!"

'Ever since the killing game ended, I was scared of you. It didn't make me hate you more or love you less, I was just so scared.'

'Because… it looked as if you were a monster.'

'You were full of hope, but I was scared of you. When I saw how Morikawa-kun looked, I knew it was because of you. It shocked me how much you were able to do.'

A monster?

Maybe he is like that now.

'For some reason it felt like it was my fault, so I'm sorry.'

'You're also that killer, right? The one everyone was talking about?'

He was.

'You're probably killing someone else to forget about how painful it is for you to know that I'm dead, right?'

He was.

'So just stop it.'

'Just go back to how you were and forget about me.'

'Please.'

'Please don't despair for me.'

"It's not despair!"

He can't even grieve.

How is he supposed to despair when he's not even capable of that—

'I love you.'

He's able to make out that.

But nothing other than that.

The rest of the letter was covered with blood.

"It's not…! It really isn't!"

His heart hurts.

He wants it to hurt less.

He doesn't want it to hurt.

He grabs the knife again.

Once he dies, it'd disappear.

He points the knife towards his neck—

"Wait—"

Something is unusual.

"What's that? Water? Sweat?"

He wipes off the corners of his eyes.

"Tears…?"

He was crying.

"Haha… that's not possible."

He couldn't cry, but his eyes were full of tears.

With tearful eyes, he laughed.

It was ironic.

He laughed, he laughed as more tears poured down his face, his body shook with laughter and cries.

"Ahahaha… What's with that? Why…? Hey… Koma-eda-kun… tell me."

What was that feeling called?

It scares him that he doesn't know.

  
It was a story, a story that couldn't have ended happily.

Ten dead classmates, a dead lover, a dead enemy, and several dead strangers.

"Will there be more dead bodies?"

Who knows?

"I wonder if there should be another killing game…"

One with his classmates, maybe another with his upperclassmen, and another with his underclassmen.

"That'd be fun."

He's able to cry now, but not without laughing.

It might be despair, but he can't despair.

He was the Super High School Level Hope.

"Yes. I can never despair."

He can grieve but he can never despair.

The story wasn't over yet.

He needed to play his part.

It was just acting.

People will really die, but it's all acting.

He could pretend to be Super High School Level Despair.

He could be the antagonist.

But he can never despair.

Someone like him can never despair.

He knows that.

Komaeda knows that.

His classmates know that.

The whole world knows that.

He will never despair today, but neither tomorrow, neither the days after.

"Because… I'm his hope. Everyone's hope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm adding this to the ending, because spoilers but a note: the difference between the name of the real komaeda & the name naegi uses is the spelling. komaeda's name is written in kanji (狛枝凪斗) while naegi's alias is written in katakana (コマエダナギト) but conveying that in english is hard
> 
> also if you read both stories that far then thank you & sorry for the too-open ending that might suggest a sequel (that will probably never be written. i think i'm done with the story for now)


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